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Introduction to Relational Presence
Home Study Program
By Lee Glickstein
The material in this program is copyrighted and may not be duplicated
without permission, with the exception of printing copies for personal
use. © 2006-2007 Speaking Circles International. All rights reserved.
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printable version
People ordinarily think of one-on-one communication as an entirely
different animal from speaking to a group, and conventional public
speaking and communication trainings support that distinction.
In pre-workshop assessments, on a scale of 1-10 where ten is masterful
and one is absolutely ineffective, participants rate their skills
one-on-one an average of 4-5 levels higher than their group communication
skills.
But the surprising reality is that speaking to a group at the highest
levels of effectiveness and authenticity requires exactly the same
skills as does one-on-one communication. We have discovered in 16
years of teaching this radical Speaking Circle® approach that
when a person is supported to address a group one listener at a time,
most are able to reach a point of never again stressing about speaking
to a group of any size.
Now I’m not talking about simulating connecting by
making great eye contact; I mean actually Being With one person at
a time as you are in a juicy conversation. And this is whether you
are making a toast at a wedding, speaking up in class, teaching knitting,
or addressing the board of directors of a Fortune 500 company.
How can this be?
Intelligent people would agree that the most important skill in one-on-one
communication is listening. But most wouldn’t say the same about
speaking to a group. After all, how can you listen when you are doing
all the speaking? It turns out that listening is critical especially
when you are doing all the speaking, as we’ll find out later.
This is why the best listeners make the best speakers once they shift
their paradigm about addressing a group and realize they can “lead
with listening.”
Many excellent listeners see themselves as introverts, which is why
introverts make masterful speakers when they give up the notion that
they need to become extroverts to shine and be heard. In fact, many
extroverts have a greater challenge in becoming masterful communicators
since to get there they must stretch mightily to find a place of receptive
stillness from which to initiate the relationship with a group, before
filling the air with words.
In reality, most of us have a combination of introvert and extrovert
qualities, so we have challenges and strengths from both directions.
Wherever you are coming from, welcome to the counter-intuitive, topsy-turvy
world of Relational Presence, the end of stage fright and the radical
secret of the masterful communicators.
This revolutionary work may instantly rock your world and dramatically
transform your relationship with groups while significantly deepening
your one-on-one skills. The great news is that you’ll know in
two pages if it will. By then, I will have delivered a 15-minute exercise
-- an experience really -- that requires a friend or associate who
reads this material and is open to being a more authentic, powerful
communicator.
The experience will either draw you toward this approach or not.
I just ask that you give it a full chance by doing it in good will
with the guidelines as given.
Why this exercise?
Since the foundation of our approach to speaking with groups is one-on-one
effectiveness, this exercise is designed to give you the opportunity
to access and maximize your capacity to be at your best one-on-one.
You will go to the core of where the ease, the magic, the communion,
the juice of one-on-ones arises.
The experience will also point you to exactly what is called for
with a group when I ask you to turn public speaking into a series
of juicy one-on-ones.
All in 15 minutes.
Ready?
You can follow along with the audio instructions here, and a written
version of the instructions follow.
Click on the triangular button to play, the double-bar button
to pause, and the square button to stop. The slider on the upper
left will adjust volume, and the lower slider is useful to repeat
any portion of the instructions.
“Five and Five” – The Relational Presence
Experience
You will do this with a friend or colleague who we will refer to
as your RP partner.
Sit facing each other a comfortable conversation distance apart.
Have a timer available, preferably one that rings or flashes so you
won’t have to keep looking at it.
Before your 5-minute timed turns, we will take a few minutes to understand
“Relational Presence,” the foundation of our work together.
Relational Presence is simply being with the other, eyes available,
without trying. To get a sense of this, first start by gently closing
your eyes and going to a place inside of not trying -- just breathing.
Don't even try to relax or slow down your mind. There's nowhere to
go and nothing to do. Notice how it is to have no self-consciousness
since no one is looking at you.
After 10-15 seconds of silence, open your eyes and be this way with
each other, without trying. Even though your eyes are available to
each other, you are not even trying to connect. You are not winking,
nodding, smiling, or otherwise giving social signals. You are just
there, steadily, neutrally receptive. Breathing is good. There may
be some discomfort, anxiety (am I doing this right?), and this is
normal until you find the natural place of Relational Presence that
you know so well deep inside. No rush to find it. It will find you
if you are willing.
Without the smiles and other habitual social signals you may feel
that your visage is stern or even grave. Simply take a deep breath
while noticing your sense of positive regard for your RP partner,
and that will lighten your face at least a bit.
This is Relational Presence. This is the foundation, the precondition
for all masterful communication, one-on-one at its most intimate,
and with groups of any size. When you are not in the habit of establishing
this interpersonal stillness -- this ground of being -- when you start
speaking or listening, much is lost and anxiety is gained. Conversely,
when this state becomes your default way of approaching every communication,
you step into a natural flow without effort. This 15-minute experience
is designed to get you on the road to making Relational Presence your
priority so you can speak (and listen) with ease any time, anywhere.
Developing your capacity for Relational Presence is like strengthening
a muscle that has been neglected. Welcome to the gym! But unlike how
physical workouts are for many of us, this exercise will be highly
pleasurable. First, though, there may be some confusion, discomfort,
self-doubt. We are dealing with nothing less than your capacity to
fully live your passion and purpose out loud in the world, so hang
in there and do the reps no matter how it feels or what you are thinking.
Take a deep breath and Be With each other in Relational Presence
for 15 seconds in silence.
How was that? Tell each other briefly. Is there confusion or questions
about the guidelines? Talk about it. Refer back to the instructions.
Do the 15 seconds again. Remember, you are not trying to be comfortable.
You are only aiming at being present in relation to your RP partner
together, no matter how it feels or what you are thinking. You are
not trying to connect; you are only being neutrally available for
connection should it arise.
When this 15-second exercise gives you each a sense of expansion,
rather than of contraction, you are ready to move on.
The sense of expansion may come the first time, or later, or you
may find yourself getting more and more contracted as you try too
hard to “get it right.” This happens. It doesn’t
necessarily mean that this experience is not for you. You might try
again later at another time when you feel more relaxed. In any case,
don’t move on to the “Five and Five” until you have
each experienced at least some quality of expansiveness in the 15-second
silence.
Five and Five
You will each have five minutes to explore allowing words to arise,
if they do, without compromising the underlying priority on Relational
Presence. This includes noticing your sense of positive regard for
this other human being. You are both simply being there, listening,
receptive, not trying, while words may come through only one of you.
But in your turn you do not have to speak. Words may arise from the
Relational Presence experienced together, but silence is fine.
You may find yourself going back and forth between silence and words.
If you catch yourself “going into your head” to think
of something to say, or habitually looking up or down to access your
mind, come back to gently Being With. There is nothing to say. The
eyes are not staring; rather they are softly and steadily gazing.
Breathe.
The one thing to not talk about during your time is the
other person, even to say something like “You have beautiful
eyes” or “I don’t feel you are listening.”
You can have that conversation later. For now, be with your own experience.
You now have enough information to each take a 5-minute turn. We
are not looking for perfection; just an experience that opens a door
to a clear fresh path of communication ease and mastery. Likely, you’ll
have exciting and useful revelations along with some wrinkles to iron
out. If you are attracted to the good stuff and continue doing “Five
and Five” with this RP partner and/or others, I guarantee that
the wrinkles will iron out and you will find these 10-minute experiences
to be fonts of extraordinary personal and professional development,
as well as ecstatic relational events.
Follow-up
I do at least three Five-and-Fives a week with various RP partners,
and that is what I recommend as a minimum weekly requirement for developing
your Relational Presence muscle.
I believe that every Five-and-Five done with RP priority will surprise
you with untold benefits of clarity, power, and joy, as it has for
me and others who have taken on this practice.
We welcome your comments about your experience and results from these
exercises. Let us know if you'd like to join future teleclasses to
further develop your home study of Relational Presence.
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